I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
