Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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