One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
