i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
