Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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