Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
