the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
