I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
