I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
