On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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