My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
