Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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