**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
