Are we in a gay sports bar?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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