the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My balls are so social today.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
