That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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