So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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