How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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