please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
