My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
