my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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