My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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