I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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