I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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