thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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