Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
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