I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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