If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You need Xanax blowdarts
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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