Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
