I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
