there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
