last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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