i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
