her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
