The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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