but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
God, I missed his penis.
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