whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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