My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
