Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize