I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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