Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
