My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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