I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
