just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
