I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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