i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
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Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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