He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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