Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
As shirtless as possible
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
