Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
