Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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