Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
