Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I will pee on everything he values.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
