Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
