hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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