I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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