There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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