peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't deserve a penis
When are your genitals available?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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