By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
