in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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