He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
