my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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